Thought of the Month: Rules for Human
1. You will
receive one body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be
yours for the entire time you're here.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn the lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, and experimentation. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately works.
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. There is no better a place than here. When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here".
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
Quote of the Month: If you want your dreams to come true, don't sleep.
Thought: THE PIT
A man fell into
a pit and couldn't get himself out.
A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down
An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone
would fall down there."
A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."
A mathematician calculated how he fell into the pit.
A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.
An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.
A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've
seem my pit."
A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."
A Christian Scientist observed, "The pit is just in your mind."
A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your
being in that pit."
A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get
out of that pit."
An optimist said, "Things could be worse."
A pessimist claimed, "Things will get worse."
Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of
Joke of the Month:
A three-year-old went with his
dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy
kittens & 2 girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother
noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes
are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom,
I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone
has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers
and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Can people predict the future with cards?
My mother can.
Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will
happen when my father gets home.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The
man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city,
but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.
She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some
Quote of the Month: Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows; it empties today of its strength.- Corrie Ten Boom
Thought of the Month:
Grass lawns have to be the
stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We
constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets,
chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass
that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical
dependency program. Imagine the conversation God might have
with Peter about this:
"Peter, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the South? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green
"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."
"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"
"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it. Sometimes twice a week."
"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and save them a lot of work."
"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."
"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."
"No! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
"After throwing away Your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
"And where do they get this mulch?"
"They cut down trees and grind them up."
"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore."
"Paul, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
"'Dumb and Dumber,' Lord. It's a real silly movie about..."
"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
Story: REACH YOUR LEVEL OF GOD'S PERFECTION
In Brooklyn, New York, Chush is a school that caters to learning-disabled children. Some children remain in Chush for their entire school career, while others can be main-streamed into conventional schools. At a Chush fund-raising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where is the perfection in my son Shaya? Everything God does is done with perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do. My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?" The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection that He seeks is in the way people react to this child." He then told the following story about his son Shaya:
One afternoon Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys Shaya knew were playing baseball. Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shaya's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team. But Shaya's father understood that if his son was chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging.
Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shaya could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his team-mates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."
Shaya's father was ecstatic as Shaya smiled broadly. Shaya was told to put on a glove and go out to play short center field. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base, Shaya was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shaya didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, let alone hit with it.
However, as Shaya stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came in and Shaya swung clumsily and missed. One of Shaya's team-mates came up to Shaya and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shaya.
As the pitch came in, Shaya and his team-mate swung the bat and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shaya would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman.
Everyone started yelling, "Shaya, run to first. Run to first!" Never in his life had Shaya run to first. He scampered down the baseline wide eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman who would tag out Shaya, who was still running. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second." Shaya ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shaya reached second base, the opposing short stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted, "Run to third." As Shaya rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming, "Shaya run home!" Shaya ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grand slam" and won the game for his team. "That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face," those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection." --unknown to me
Joke of the Month:
Linda and Marion were comparing
notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.
"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.
Quote of the Month: The only people who appreciate change are wet babies.
The boy stood with back arched,
head cocked back and hands
clenched defiantly. "Go ahead, give it to me."
The principal looked down at the young rebel. "How many times
have you been here?"
The child sneered rebelliously, "Apparently not enough."
The principal gave the boy a strange look. "And you have been
punished each time have you not?"
"Yeah, I been punished, if that's what you want to call it." He
threw out his small chest, "Go ahead I can take whatever you dish
out. I always have."
"And no thought of your punishment enters your head the next time
you decide to break the rules does it?"
"Nope, I do whatever I want to do. Ain't nothin' you people gonna
do to stop me either."
The principal looked over at the teacher who stood nearby. "What
did he do this time?"
"Fighting. He took little Tommy and shoved his face into the
The principal turned to look at the boy, "Why? What did little
Tommy do to you?"
"Nothin', I didn't like the way he was lookin' at me, just like I
don't like the way your lookin' at me! And if I thought I could
do it, I'd shove your face into something."
The teacher stiffened and started to rise but a quick look from
the principal stopped him. He contemplated the child for a moment
and then quietly said, "Today my young student, is the day you
learn about grace."
"Grace? Isn't that what you old people do before you sit down to
eat? I don't need none of your stinkin' grace."
"Oh but you do." The principal studied the young mans face and
whispered. "Oh yes, you truly do..."
The boy continued to glare as the principal continued, "Grace, in
its short definition is unmerited favor. You can not earn it, it
is a gift and is always freely given. It means that you will not
be getting what you so richly deserve."
The boy looked puzzled. "Your not gonna whup me? You just gonna
let me walk?"
The principal looked down at the unyielding child. "Yes, I am
going to let you walk."
The boy studied the face of the principal, "No punishment at all?
Even though I socked Tommy and shoved his face into the sandbox?"
"Oh, there has to be punishment. What you did was wrong and there
are always consequences to our actions. There will be punishment.
Grace is not an excuse for doing wrong."
"I knew it," Sneered the boy as he held out his hands. "Lets get
on with it."
The principal nodded toward the teacher. "Bring me the belt." The
teacher presented the belt to the principal. He carefully folded
it in two and then handed it back to the teacher.
He looked at the child and said. "I want you to count the blows."
He slid out from behind his desk and walked over to stand
directly in front of the young man. He gently reached out and
folded the child's outstretched, expectant hands together and
then turned to face the teacher with his own hands outstretched.
One quiet word came forth from his mouth.
The belt whipped down on the outstretched hands of the principal.
The young man jumped ten feet in the air. Shock registered across
his face, "One" he whispered.
Crack! "Two." His voice raised an octave.
Crack! "Three..." He couldn't believe this.
Crack! "Four." Big tears welled up in the eyes of the rebel.
"OK stop! That's enough. Stop!"
Crack! Came the belt down on the callused hands of the principal.
Crack! The child flinched with each blow, tears beginning to
stream down his face.
Crack! "No please," the former rebel begged, "Stop, I did it, I'm
the one who deserves it. Stop! Please. Stop..."
Still the blows came, Crack! Crack! One after another.
Finally it was over. The principal stood with sweat glistening
across his forehead and beads trickling down his face. Slowly he
knelt down. He studied the young man for a second and then his
swollen hands reached out to cradle the face of the weeping
- Author Unknown
Joke: Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight
because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Quote of the Month: Be like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like the devil underneath.
Thought of the Month: 10 Rules
For A Happy Day
1. TODAY I WILL NOT STRIKE BACK:
If someone is rude, if someone is impatient, if someone is unkind... I will not respond in a like manner.
2. TODAY I WILL ASK GOD TO BLESS MY "ENEMY":
If I come across someone who treats me harshly or unfairly, I will quietly ask GOD to bless that individual. I understand the "enemy" could be a family member, neighbor, co-worker or stranger.
3. TODAY I WILL BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I SAY:
I will carefully choose and guard my words being certain that I do not spread gossip.
4. TODAY I WILL GO THE EXTRA MILE:
I will find ways to help share the burden of another person.
5. TODAY I WILL FORGIVE:
I will forgive any hurts or injuries that come my way.
6. TODAY I WILL DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE, BUT I WILL NOT DO IT SECRETLY:
I will reach out anonymously and bless the life of another.
7. TODAY I WILL TREAT OTHERS THE WAY I WISH TO BE TREATED:
I will practice the golden rule - "Do unto others as I would have them do unto me" - with everyone I encounter.
8. TODAY I WILL RAISE THE SPIRITS OF SOMEONE WHO IS DISCOURAGED:
My smile, my words, my expression of support, can make the difference to someone who is wrestling with life.
9. TODAY I WILL NURTURE MY BODY:
I will eat less; I will eat only healthy foods. I will thank GOD for my body.
10. TODAY I WILL GROW SPIRITUALLY:
I will spend a little more time in prayer today: I will begin reading something spiritual or inspirational today; I will find a quiet place (at some point during this day) and listen to GOD's voice!!!
Quote of the Month: A loser doesn't know what he'll do if he loses, but talks about what he'll do if he wins, and a winner doesn't talk about what he'll do if he wins, but knows what he'll do if he loses. - Eric Berne
Thought of the Month: The Value Of A Smile
A smile cost nothing, but gives much. It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made rich by it.
A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and is nature's best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
- Author Unknown
Story: A Variation on
Now imagine you and the Lord Jesus walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace. But your prints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures and returns.
For much of the way it seems to go like this. But gradually, your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends. This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: your footprints that once etched the sand next to the Master's are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints is the small 'sandprint', safely enclosed. You and Jesus are becoming one.
This goes on for many miles. But gradually you notice another change. The footprint inside the larger footprint seems to grow larger. Eventually it disappears altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.
Again, this goes on for a long time. But then something awful happens. The second set of footprints is back. And this time it seems even worse. Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Deep gashes in the sand. A veritable mess of prints. You're amazed and shocked. But this is the end of your dream.
Now you speak. 'Lord, I understand the first scene with the zigzags and fits and starts and so on. I was a new Christian, just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with you.'
'That is correct.'
'Yes, and when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps. I followed You very closely.'
'Very good. You have understood everything so far.'
'Then the smaller footprints grew and eventually filled in with Yours. I suppose that I was actually growing so much that I was becoming like you in every way.'
'But this is my question. Lord ... was there a regression or something? The footprints went back to two, and this time it was worse than the first.'
The Lord smiles, then laughs. 'You didn't know?' He says. 'That was when we
unknown to me
Joke of the Month:
A lawyer dies in a car accident
on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly
Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his
hand and says "Congratulations!!!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
Quote of the Month: Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. - Japanese proverb
Thought: Love vs. Obligation
A house is a house - until love
comes through the door, that is. And love intuitively goes around
sprinkling that special brand of angel dust that transforms a
house into a very special home for very special people: your
Money, of course, can build a charming house, but only love can furnish it with a feeling of home.
Duty can pack an adequate sack lunch, but love may decide to tuck a little love note inside.
Money can provide a television set, but love controls it and cares enough to say no and take the guff that comes with it.
Obligation sends the children to bed on time, but love tucks the covers in around their necks and passes out kisses and hugs (even to teenagers!).
Obligation can cook a meal, but love embellishes the table with a potted ivy trailing around slender candles.
Duty writes many letters, but love tucks a joke or a picture or a fresh stick of gum inside.
Compulsion keeps a sparkling house. But love and prayer stand a better chance of producing a happy family.
Duty gets offended quickly if it isn't appreciated. But love learns to laugh a lot and to work for the sheer joy of doing it.
Obligation can pour a glass of milk, but quite often love will
add a little chocolate.
Joke of the Month:
A young boy had just gotten his
driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if
they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to
him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up,
study the Bible a little, and get
your hair cut; then we'll talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the Bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."
Story of the Month:
A woman was at work when she
received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a
fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some
medication for her daughter.
Upon returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out less than 24 hours." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
God may not always send us what we expect, but He will always send us what we need. It's up to us to have the wisdom to recognize the difference and be thankful.
Quote of the Month: Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. - Albert Einstein
Thought: PERFECT PEACE
There once was a King who
offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of
peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the
pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to
choose between them.
One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains were all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.
The other picture had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell, in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all.
But when the King looked, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest ... perfect peace.
Which picture do you think won the prize?
The King chose the second picture.
Do you know why?
"Because," explained the King, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."
unknown to me
Story: THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem." The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die. "Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it." "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead." Things aren't always what they seem." Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later...
Joke: KIDS VS TEACHERS
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you
doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: George can you count up
George count up to 5 slowly using his fingers.
TEACHER: Good, now can you count any higher?
George put up his hand and count to five again using his fingers.
TEACHER: John, how do you spell
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical
formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves
TEACHER: How old were you on
your last birthday?
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map
and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Willy, name one
important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago?
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you
always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent
diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a
sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you
swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges
in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
Year 2000, 2001